I Believe But Help My Unbelief
I don't know why, but, I always seem to struggle on days when I'm tired. It's days like today that I have to sit down and chill out for a moment. There has been so much taking place in my life that it has caused me to take the day to reflect. Reflect on what? Reflect on what happened yesterday, yesterday representing the past. Some days I'm on a complete high...but then it all of a sudden turns into a sudden disaster...I mean, Murphy's law goes into affect...what can go wrong, will go wrong! So, while I'm transitioning from one place to another, it's important for me to stop and remember from where I've come from. I've got to remember that no matter how bad it gets, it could always, and I do mean always be a lot worse.
The trials that have come have strengthened my relationship with God! And that's for real...
I have to be transparent about something today. I have been praying for an event that I was planning for the young people at my church and I was nervous. I was so nervous because I didn't think that anyone would show up. I didn't know why...but I know that whenever good is being planned you're gonna have some haters. You're gonna have those who set out to work against you. This used to really bug the hell out of me and I prayed for God to kill them! lol Yes, the preacher prayed for somebody to die! And I have asked God to forgive me for that too, but, in my anger, I gave them power over me. That was then, this is now! Now, I don't give a care about folks who will never see a new way to do something. While I respect the older generation, I spend my time trying to find the qualities that I appreciate in them, rather than meeting their rudeness with more abrupt rudeness. Two wrongs don't make a right!
But let me finish telling you the miracle in all of this for me and what I learned from my experience. Well, for this particular event, I was concerned because I knew that this hadn't been done in a while, so I set forth to work together with other leaders that generally I people that get to me. The workers of evil used to make me lose my mind "up in here, up in here." But, I no longer allow them to get me the way they used to. I used to be real quick to lash out and retaliate. I hated letting people think they had the upperhand! I had a Peter's tongue FO SHO because as soon as someone would do something to me, it'd be on!
It's amazing to look back, in reflection, and see the growth...see how things have changed, not the people, but inside of me! I see things differently...although I still have my bouts of rage and nervousness, I don't allow people to get me to a point of pisstivity! Yes, although I may get upset, I don't allow it to go to the extremities that it used to go too. However, the point that I wanted to make is this, the event that I had been so worried about turned out to be a success. God moved, the people came, and it was more than the norm...so I had to give all praise to God, because it was nothing that I did, but it was His doing. The funny thing about it was that God told me beforehand that everything was going to be alright and although I had faith to believe, there was still that doubt. I understand the bible when it says, "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief." I'm praying that God help my unbelief today! As you can see, I struggled to even write this today...I usually have my blog done by the afternoon. It's now evening and I'm just now completing...so I say it again, Lord, help my unbelief!
The trials that have come have strengthened my relationship with God! And that's for real...
I have to be transparent about something today. I have been praying for an event that I was planning for the young people at my church and I was nervous. I was so nervous because I didn't think that anyone would show up. I didn't know why...but I know that whenever good is being planned you're gonna have some haters. You're gonna have those who set out to work against you. This used to really bug the hell out of me and I prayed for God to kill them! lol Yes, the preacher prayed for somebody to die! And I have asked God to forgive me for that too, but, in my anger, I gave them power over me. That was then, this is now! Now, I don't give a care about folks who will never see a new way to do something. While I respect the older generation, I spend my time trying to find the qualities that I appreciate in them, rather than meeting their rudeness with more abrupt rudeness. Two wrongs don't make a right!
But let me finish telling you the miracle in all of this for me and what I learned from my experience. Well, for this particular event, I was concerned because I knew that this hadn't been done in a while, so I set forth to work together with other leaders that generally I people that get to me. The workers of evil used to make me lose my mind "up in here, up in here." But, I no longer allow them to get me the way they used to. I used to be real quick to lash out and retaliate. I hated letting people think they had the upperhand! I had a Peter's tongue FO SHO because as soon as someone would do something to me, it'd be on!
It's amazing to look back, in reflection, and see the growth...see how things have changed, not the people, but inside of me! I see things differently...although I still have my bouts of rage and nervousness, I don't allow people to get me to a point of pisstivity! Yes, although I may get upset, I don't allow it to go to the extremities that it used to go too. However, the point that I wanted to make is this, the event that I had been so worried about turned out to be a success. God moved, the people came, and it was more than the norm...so I had to give all praise to God, because it was nothing that I did, but it was His doing. The funny thing about it was that God told me beforehand that everything was going to be alright and although I had faith to believe, there was still that doubt. I understand the bible when it says, "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief." I'm praying that God help my unbelief today! As you can see, I struggled to even write this today...I usually have my blog done by the afternoon. It's now evening and I'm just now completing...so I say it again, Lord, help my unbelief!
posted by Pastor Rich at 5:00 PM
2 Comments:
I just have to say praise God for you! You have been a blessing to my life b/c now I know I am not as crazy as I would like to believe I am. You know sometimes (and I am sure you might hear this a lot) you are reading my thoughts. It's like the things you write about are the things that I struggle with each and every day. Recently, hasn't been the best for me as far as walking my spiritual path. I have resorted to doing things that I really thought that I had left alone -- but what I realized is that through all my church going (at the height I was there at least 3 - 4 days a week) I was not forming a bond or relationship with God -- I was just going to church. Now here's the question -- how do I form the bond? To be honest, I find the Bible a bit boring, and my Pastor says he prays for an hour (and knowing him much, much longer) but I can't figure out how b/c I would be making grocery lists and thinking about work. I love the Lord, I do. But the fundamentals are what I need to learn....I want to learn in depth like I am in school and I can't find anyone to teach me, in depth. I don't want to just be able to quote scripture -- I want to be able to walk up to someone and tell them about God without them feeling preached to -- with them knowing that God loves them. Man, this just feels good even typing out all the things that I have been holding inside for so long! I just need help....and I don't know where to start to look?
Thank you khrys, I appreciate your honesty...I must say that it isn't easy to do what I do, I struggle daily with typing my TRUE feelings and not smudging them up so that it looks nice and neat! However, I have a passion to reach people for REAL! You've raised some wonderful questions...and there is no one particular way to develop a bond with the Lord. It would be nice and cute to say there is, however, I'd be lying to you and that, I won't do. I'll be frank and honest...and transparent so that you can see how I developed my bond. In that, I pray that somewhere in there, you can see how to develop the bond. First and foremost, I asked God to mold me and make me into His image. I asked the Lord to raise me up to be the man of God that He would have me be, I asked the Lord for the burden of my bishop. (what a crazy thing to ask for, huh?) But this is how it all began. I was just like you, in church going through the motions for my entire life. I could shout with the best of them, I could sing and play the "church" role. (Those who are from the pentecostal church know what I mean when I say the church role). I was doing all of that, but it was void of substance. Meaning, there was nothing truly there. I would get all types of prophecies but I still wouldn't feel anything. To me it was all for show! It wasn't until I was in the ATL, where I went to college that I finally had a divine encounter with God! You talkin bout a bond? I got a bond for you!!! :) I can be crazy sometimes, so bare with me! But anyway, as I said before, I was touched by the word that my bishop ministered on a Sunday, and from that, I asked for God to inhabit me. I invited Him in and that's when the hell began...that brought about the bonding!
You see, I found out 5 days later that I contracted HIV. WOW, I mean, talk about a nuclear explosion. I just had said to God that Sunday, whatever God, whatever the cost, I want to know you...I want to know you as Father, as Healer, as Deliverer, as Provider, as Protector...I can go on and on...And then, Friday comes and I had given blood about 3 weeks earlier and I get a letter in the mail and before you know it...BAMM! I'm hit with a dilemma! Do I cling to the new thing that God was ushering into my life...or do I, out of fear, run scurred? Do I portray for the rest of my life as if nothing happened or do I hear God and share with others my testimony? What do you do? Popular Opinion tells you to go on with BUSINESS AS USUAL. The crowd and your family tell you not to be a fool and tell people...but what do you do when you hear God's voice calling you to a Higher place...you hear God calling you to a deep deep place in the recesses of the heart. I made a decision that day to be obedient to the Father. I made a decision that day and instead of getting sick, I got better. Instead of centering myself around folks that were going to give me a sob story, I trusted Him in spite of what the naysayers would say...now that was in 1996, do you know that I still have naysayers in 2005, but I couldn't care less! They don't pay my bills. God has taken care of me and I have come to know him (bonded) as Father, Protector, Peace, Healer, Deliver, Waymaker, Provider, Restorer, etc. I could go on and on and on...there have been folks who have contracted the virus in the past 2 years that have died, but God has kept me here for a reason...although they can't find it in my blood system as of 1997, I don't care what the reports say, I know God is a healer...and as the 3 Hebrews said in the book of Daniel,(paraphrasing) "our God is able to deliver, but if he doesn't, He's still able."
I hope this helps you understand the bonding process that I went through to get to the place where I am today. Pastor Rich lives a victorious life today because I was able to throw off the cares of the naysayers...Pastor Rich lives an abundant life because I was obedient to the Father. God needed somebody that was willing to go through the fire so that those infected with HIV would receive Hope that they too can be healed! The truth can always change the facts, but you will never know that you know that you know, if you don't experience it for yourself!
I hope I was able to answer some of your questions...Please feel free to ask anything!
Pastor Rich
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