And The Band Played On...

I'm right where God wants me to be today. Because never in my life have I felt so out of control than I do right at this very moment. As much as I try to be a person with a cool demeanor, there have been things taking place inside of me that I can't really comprehend as to its meaning. Now before anyone says that I'm not spiritual enough or something crazy and superficial like that, let me preface by saying that how I'm feeling has nothing to do with my relationship with the Lord. That's the only thing amidst the chaos in my life that I am at peace with. Do you want to know why? Glad you asked! Because God knows everything about me and before this day began He knew that I would be writing this. He knows my shortcomings and He still loves me. He knows what makes me tick and He yet cares about my well-being. If I were to share with a majority of you the things that have been going through my head for the past week or so, most of you would want and expect me to turn in my ministerial credentials! Boy, am I glad that you're aren't God! :)

Things are tight right now but I haven't lost my mind. I haven't lost my ability to laugh. I haven't lost my will to live. If you were me you would wonder how I get up everyday and do all I do. Frankly, I wonder the same damn thing sometimes but I yet press through because I know eyes are watching. There are young people (and old folks too) who look at me and think that I really have it together! Now I know the real deal and this is what keeps me humble. Last week I received an email from someone that I think is a close friend berating me on how judgmental I can be. Now, while I know there is a side of me that strives for perfection, I know good and well that I'm far from perfect. I also know that I can be condescending from time to time when I get angry or allow my attitude to get the best of me. But what am I supposed to do about it today? Not a doggone thing! I need to be me! I'm not trying to be approved by anyone at this particular time, so I need to maintain my equilibrium the best way I can for the time being until the time comes to change course.

Am I saying that I'm turning a deaf ear to the things that people say about me? NO! I'm very much interested in seeing how I'm perceived, but I have to balance that with what God says about me! If I allowed any and everybody to determine my actions, then I'd be pretty messed up right about now because we are living in an age where everybody is in everybody's business for absolutely no reason at all! So, at this period in my life, I have to be absolutely sure of one thing and that is, "WHAT DOES GOD THINK ABOUT ME?" For where I am on my journey, this is all that matters. Don't worry, I'll deal with this email from last week, but right now it's important that I stay focused for the changes that are taking place in front of my very eyes!

Let the band play on...